Tuesday, 31 December 2013


As I sit here with a trusty cup of tea & with only 9 hours left of 2013 I feel various emotions. Most of all though, I feel relief, relief that this year is almost over. It's fair to say it's not been the best.

January was spent wrecked with worry and fear about my dad's health. Trying to come to terms with the fact that he possibly had lung cancer. When faced with such thoughts you change as a person. My worries and fears about life changed in a heartbeat. I learnt what was truly important in life, your health. Nothing, absolutely nothing is more important than good health. Something we all forget on a daily basis in a world that is so obsessed with material possessions. Early in the year B's Aunty died, for quite a while life felt very grey. Then B's Uncle died very suddenly and unexpectedly in May, two weeks after I had met him for the first time. This again was a reminder of our own mortality & just how precious life is. It was a truly
difficult and sad time.

From March to July things got a bit better. Dad didn't have lung cancer, we found our new home & were thrown into the world of interior design & picking out fixtures and fittings for our home. It was a dream come true and I enjoyed every second. Knowing that our 'long' distance relationship was coming to an end was something I'd always dreamt of. The idea of not living out of a suitcase and no more late night / early morning drives down the M62 was heaven! And to this very day, living together is everything I hoped it would be, and more. Building a home with the man that you love is a dream come true. It took a bit of getting used to for me, after living at home for 25 years! But I absolutely love it.

Then in July came the worst news possible. My mum had Breast Cancer. On the day she was diagnosed I wrote in my diary "Life has changed in a single second. Nothing will ever be the same again." And this is true.

So, 2013. You gave me a dream come true, you gave me relief and joy in my dad being ok, and you then broke my heart and my soul. Honestly, ever since my mums diagnosis something within me has changed. I was so utterly shattered by the news and so heartbroken. I don't see the world as cheerfully as I once did. I'm always aware of how quickly things can change in life.
However this experience has it's positives. I am so much stronger mentally than I have ever been. I was by my mums side very step of the way, I made her smile when all I wanted to do was sob my heart out. Mums are always the one who give you a big hug, telling you everything is going to be ok. I couldn't get this reassurance from my Mum, I was the one reassuring her. Seeing your own mum afraid & upset is horrendous. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. From somewhere I found my inner strength to keep going, to keep smiling when everything felt hopeless. I kept my mum positive & I supported my Dad to deal with it all. I am proud of myself for that.

I am also grateful that Mum, as far as we know, is doing just fine. I know it could have been an awful lot worse. My Mum is my hero, she dealt with it all with courage and immense strength. I'm proud to be her daughter.

So 2013 has taught me so many lessons. Appreciate every single second of life, go after your dreams, love like there's no tomorrow. Be thankful for your health, treasure it, for it's the single most important thing in your life.

I know who I am now, I'm stronger than I ever thought possible. I don't get stressed out by pointless things. So for that, thank you 2013. We'll bring 2014 in for the first time in our home together me & B. A new year, in a new home. A new start.

But please 2014, I beg you to be kinder to everyone that I love. Please.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Monday, 16 December 2013

Facing the unexpected.

Hello, it's been a while! I just had a read through my last blog post, I had no idea about just what lay ahead. I'm not sure if anyone will actually read this post, or if this is more of a cathartic post?!

Anyway, 2013 has been a shall we say a 'challenging' year?! The year started rather abruptly with the worrying news that my dad quite possibly had lung cancer. We found that news out on my parents silver wedding anniversary. Awesome timing or what?! Mum and Dad were planning on surprising their close friends & family with a trip in a stretch hummer and a full slap up meal. They received the news only three hours before the celebrations were due to begin. I'll never forget the moment they broke the news to me. Standing in their kitchen, knowing the moment they opened the front door that good news it was not. I truly honestly hope no one else reading this knows that feeling you get when you hear news like that. It's hard to describe, you feel like you've been stabbed right in the heart, it physically hurts. You feel like any second you're going to fall to the ground & crumble, over and over again. Nothing can take away that pain & the sheer helplessness you feel. It is truly truly heartbreaking. One thing I love about my family is their strength. My mum and dad make it quite clear that the night was going ahead as planned and I had an hour to put some makeup on & get ready. How I got through that night I will never truly know. Only my mum, dad myself and Mr B knew the news. I just wanted to scream out in sheer pain, hoping someone would tell me that it was all going to be just fine. I wanted to hold onto my dear dad, not leave his side for a single second, I wanted to look into his eyes and know he was going to be ok.

Over the subsequent weeks dad underwent many tests, scans. Most nights I stayed up into the small hours frantically googling lung cancer symptoms, hoping that somewhere I'd find the words that would make me sure that he didn't have it. My mum spoke to me in depth about how we'd cope if the worst happened. I was utterly broken. One word 'cancer' had changed everything, every single thing had changed & honestly, I despised the world. I hated how carefree everyone else appeared to be. I changed. Life changed. We all changed. The day my mum and dad went to get the final results will stay with me forever. We all chatted as normally as possible in the kitchen before they left, I frantically fought back the tears. They left & I have never cried so hard in my entire life. I collapsed into B's arms as they drove away, I sobbed and I sobbed. My heart broke & I hated how cruel this life was. The subsequent wait for news was hell. I spent the hours being sick, crying and pacing. (My carpet was wrecked!)Then they returned, my mum gave me the thumbs up through the window. I flew down the stairs & shot outside to them. It wasn't lung cancer. It was Arthritic nodules on his lungs. The relief? Immense. However, I had no idea that 3 months later cancer would come back into our lives again. This time for real.

Once we'd all got over the awful first 3 months of 2013 it was time to enjoy ourselves. Me and B bought our first home together. The best experience of my life!

We moved in during June. In the July my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. My life was turned upside down. The news shattered me, it broke me. I struggled to cope. I was a mess.
Mums just finished her radiotherapy & is doing really well. I'm not ready to share the experience yet as it's all still too raw. I'm not sure I've completely dealt with it all yet either. I've just been supporting my mum & doing all that I can. So now it's time to patiently wait for 2013 to clear off! Me & B buying our first home together has been such a big event, I'm still on cloud 9! But honestly the rest of 2013 has been horrendous. Utterly crap. I am not one bit bothered about celebrating NYE this year. I just want 13 gone & to hope 14 will be kinder to us!

So I'm sorry I haven't blogged at all, but I'm hoping for a new start & to blog the excitement of our first Christmas in the home with the man that I love. And then hopefully 2014 will be kinder to us & I can get stuck into the blogging world!

If you're still reading then thank you. It's helped me to write it all down, cleared my head. I promise to be more cheery from now on!

Sparkles xxx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad