The Unthinkable.

 

These days when I see you

You make it look like I'm see-through

Do tell me why you waste our time

When your heart ain't admitting you're not satisfied

You know I know just how you feel

I'm starting to find myself feeling that way too.

Thursday 26th March 2015. I wasn't prepared for what you had in store. Relief, and hurt of the most unimaginable kind. 

I wasn't prepared to be spending the night back at my parents. Away from my flat, my home, my future. 

As I came down my parents stairs earlier I remembered my childhood, all the excitable Christmas mornings when I'd run down the stairs with excitable energy. I'd give anything to go back to those days right now, telling that little girl to savour that time. Keep that precious heart to herself, don't believe the fairytails, don't build a life that can be destroyed by somebody else's mess. I am numb and I am afraid. Why?! Just why. What did I ever do to deserve this. 

Be strong little fighter, your life sure won't be easy. 

It's always good to start with a quote from Carrie! 

I haven't blogged since 2013, wowzers! I sit and write this now, simply because I want to bottle up the emotion I'm feeling right now. Who knows if I'll have the guts to publish it?! 

When we're born we get thrown into a life, a life of which we have no say over. Some grow up to be pretty, some grow tall and others grow to be small (the best kind) The majority of people float through life without too many hurdles, with just the 'average' life worries for company. Others, however, get thrown into a life that is slightly more challenging. I developed a chronic condition at only 18 months old. I grew up thinking that regular surgery and physio was normal. I frequently spent more time in Hospital than I did in School. I'm a bit shabby on my Maths and my History but I could tell you how to insert a Cannula, how to do a joint injection, or how to self inject! I didn't know any different and I was never brought up to feel 'different' I knew I wasn't allowed / couldn't run around in the playground and that I had to sit on a chair in assembly, I just accepted it as the norm. 

As life went on I carried on happily, never really feeling much different, I just fitted in nicely. Then in my late teens my health took a nose dive. My freedom was taken away from me and my life felt like it was over. For the first time in my life I felt 'different'. I didn't feel like I was the 'perfect' girl that society demanded you had to be in order to be happy. I lost myself, I cut myself off from my friends and I took zero pride in my appearance. I was shy and I hated myself. 

Then came the news that I needed major hip surgery, there was a good chance it might help, but if it failed, I'd never walk again. A tough decision to make at 20. I went for it and I found myself (How very X-Factor!) along the way. I pulled myself through the pain, I kept focussed when things looked bleak. I was very ill after my final surgery but I kept going. When I eventually managed to walk, it was amazing. I was on cloud 9, my self confidence rocketed and I felt good! Then I realised I had big scars, my knees looked awful and I thought my bum was huge (eat your heart out J-Lo!) I plummeted again. Eventually I learnt to love my scars and imperfections and I got myself going. I plodded along nicely, until 2014 came along.... 

My health took a turn for the worse in 2014, it was one of the worst flare ups I've ever had. My Arthritis had spread to my eye, I couldn't see properly. I was in excruciating pain and unable to get out of bed in a morning. I collapsed at home at Easter in what was to be the beginning of the end! (Dramatic music) I wasn't receiving the correct medical care & medication was being withheld from me. I was 26 years old and unable to function at all. I was a prisoner in my own body, trapped. Every day was a battle and I hated myself. I have only a hand full of pictures of myself from 2014, and I hate to look at them. I can see the pain in my eyes and it breaks my heart.

I kept fighting, every morning I listened to the same song to give me strength to face the day. The song was Invictus (from The Invictus Games) ; "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.." 

Eventually I moved hospitals and got the care I needed. I started some new medication in December and it's made the world of difference to me. Man oh man has it been a tough journey?! 

Tonight, for the first time in 12 months I looked at my body properly. I realised how much better it looks, one of my legs even looks 'normal' ! As I realised it tears pooled in my eyes, my heart was suddenly filled with an overwhelming sense of pride. I did this, I carried on fighting when the whole world felt against me. I liked myself again tonight. I know it can all change in a heartbeat, god forbid my medication could stop working, my hips might give up the ghost. It's important I appreciate each day, and I that's why I want to remember this moment. The moment I looked in the mirror and saw myself looking back! Welcome back, I've missed you my old friend. 

Xxx

Out of the night that covers me, 

Black as the Pit from pole to pole, 

I thank whatever gods may be 

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance 

I have not winced nor cried aloud. 

Under the bludgeonings of chance 

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears 

Looms but the Horror of the shade, 

And yet the menace of the years 

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate, 

How charged with punishments the scroll, 

I am the master of my fate: 

I am the captain of my soul.

2013.

As I sit here with a trusty cup of tea & with only 9 hours left of 2013 I feel various emotions. Most of all though, I feel relief, relief that this year is almost over. It's fair to say it's not been the best.

January was spent wrecked with worry and fear about my dad's health. Trying to come to terms with the fact that he possibly had lung cancer. When faced with such thoughts you change as a person. My worries and fears about life changed in a heartbeat. I learnt what was truly important in life, your health. Nothing, absolutely nothing is more important than good health. Something we all forget on a daily basis in a world that is so obsessed with material possessions. Early in the year B's Aunty died, for quite a while life felt very grey. Then B's Uncle died very suddenly and unexpectedly in May, two weeks after I had met him for the first time. This again was a reminder of our own mortality & just how precious life is. It was a truly
difficult and sad time.

From March to July things got a bit better. Dad didn't have lung cancer, we found our new home & were thrown into the world of interior design & picking out fixtures and fittings for our home. It was a dream come true and I enjoyed every second. Knowing that our 'long' distance relationship was coming to an end was something I'd always dreamt of. The idea of not living out of a suitcase and no more late night / early morning drives down the M62 was heaven! And to this very day, living together is everything I hoped it would be, and more. Building a home with the man that you love is a dream come true. It took a bit of getting used to for me, after living at home for 25 years! But I absolutely love it.

Then in July came the worst news possible. My mum had Breast Cancer. On the day she was diagnosed I wrote in my diary "Life has changed in a single second. Nothing will ever be the same again." And this is true.

So, 2013. You gave me a dream come true, you gave me relief and joy in my dad being ok, and you then broke my heart and my soul. Honestly, ever since my mums diagnosis something within me has changed. I was so utterly shattered by the news and so heartbroken. I don't see the world as cheerfully as I once did. I'm always aware of how quickly things can change in life.
However this experience has it's positives. I am so much stronger mentally than I have ever been. I was by my mums side very step of the way, I made her smile when all I wanted to do was sob my heart out. Mums are always the one who give you a big hug, telling you everything is going to be ok. I couldn't get this reassurance from my Mum, I was the one reassuring her. Seeing your own mum afraid & upset is horrendous. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. From somewhere I found my inner strength to keep going, to keep smiling when everything felt hopeless. I kept my mum positive & I supported my Dad to deal with it all. I am proud of myself for that.

I am also grateful that Mum, as far as we know, is doing just fine. I know it could have been an awful lot worse. My Mum is my hero, she dealt with it all with courage and immense strength. I'm proud to be her daughter.

So 2013 has taught me so many lessons. Appreciate every single second of life, go after your dreams, love like there's no tomorrow. Be thankful for your health, treasure it, for it's the single most important thing in your life.

I know who I am now, I'm stronger than I ever thought possible. I don't get stressed out by pointless things. So for that, thank you 2013. We'll bring 2014 in for the first time in our home together me & B. A new year, in a new home. A new start.

But please 2014, I beg you to be kinder to everyone that I love. Please.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Facing the unexpected.

Hello, it's been a while! I just had a read through my last blog post, I had no idea about just what lay ahead. I'm not sure if anyone will actually read this post, or if this is more of a cathartic post?!

Anyway, 2013 has been a shall we say a 'challenging' year?! The year started rather abruptly with the worrying news that my dad quite possibly had lung cancer. We found that news out on my parents silver wedding anniversary. Awesome timing or what?! Mum and Dad were planning on surprising their close friends & family with a trip in a stretch hummer and a full slap up meal. They received the news only three hours before the celebrations were due to begin. I'll never forget the moment they broke the news to me. Standing in their kitchen, knowing the moment they opened the front door that good news it was not. I truly honestly hope no one else reading this knows that feeling you get when you hear news like that. It's hard to describe, you feel like you've been stabbed right in the heart, it physically hurts. You feel like any second you're going to fall to the ground & crumble, over and over again. Nothing can take away that pain & the sheer helplessness you feel. It is truly truly heartbreaking. One thing I love about my family is their strength. My mum and dad make it quite clear that the night was going ahead as planned and I had an hour to put some makeup on & get ready. How I got through that night I will never truly know. Only my mum, dad myself and Mr B knew the news. I just wanted to scream out in sheer pain, hoping someone would tell me that it was all going to be just fine. I wanted to hold onto my dear dad, not leave his side for a single second, I wanted to look into his eyes and know he was going to be ok.

Over the subsequent weeks dad underwent many tests, scans. Most nights I stayed up into the small hours frantically googling lung cancer symptoms, hoping that somewhere I'd find the words that would make me sure that he didn't have it. My mum spoke to me in depth about how we'd cope if the worst happened. I was utterly broken. One word 'cancer' had changed everything, every single thing had changed & honestly, I despised the world. I hated how carefree everyone else appeared to be. I changed. Life changed. We all changed. The day my mum and dad went to get the final results will stay with me forever. We all chatted as normally as possible in the kitchen before they left, I frantically fought back the tears. They left & I have never cried so hard in my entire life. I collapsed into B's arms as they drove away, I sobbed and I sobbed. My heart broke & I hated how cruel this life was. The subsequent wait for news was hell. I spent the hours being sick, crying and pacing. (My carpet was wrecked!)Then they returned, my mum gave me the thumbs up through the window. I flew down the stairs & shot outside to them. It wasn't lung cancer. It was Arthritic nodules on his lungs. The relief? Immense. However, I had no idea that 3 months later cancer would come back into our lives again. This time for real.

Once we'd all got over the awful first 3 months of 2013 it was time to enjoy ourselves. Me and B bought our first home together. The best experience of my life!

We moved in during June. In the July my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. My life was turned upside down. The news shattered me, it broke me. I struggled to cope. I was a mess.
Mums just finished her radiotherapy & is doing really well. I'm not ready to share the experience yet as it's all still too raw. I'm not sure I've completely dealt with it all yet either. I've just been supporting my mum & doing all that I can. So now it's time to patiently wait for 2013 to clear off! Me & B buying our first home together has been such a big event, I'm still on cloud 9! But honestly the rest of 2013 has been horrendous. Utterly crap. I am not one bit bothered about celebrating NYE this year. I just want 13 gone & to hope 14 will be kinder to us!


So I'm sorry I haven't blogged at all, but I'm hoping for a new start & to blog the excitement of our first Christmas in the home with the man that I love. And then hopefully 2014 will be kinder to us & I can get stuck into the blogging world!

If you're still reading then thank you. It's helped me to write it all down, cleared my head. I promise to be more cheery from now on!

Sparkles xxx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Baby it's cold out there....

It's been a tough week to put it mildly. Currently me and my family are waiting on some health news for one of us. It's the real scary kind of health news that no one wants to hear. In a matter of hours on Wednesday life changed, it was horrible. At the moment my perspective on life has changed somewhat, enjoy every second, if you and the people you love are healthy then you have everything you could possibly need in life.

So when the snow began to fall last night I was determined to get out there and enjoy it! Mr B lives near the appropriately named Winter Hill in Bolton. Boy did it live up to its name last night! Luckily we've both got a week off so we had no worries about digging cars out or how we're going to get to work, we could just enjoy the snow and then go back inside and snuggle up with hot Ribena, perfect.




I'm only small but as you can see the snow was pretty deep!










Glad we didn't need to go out anywhere today!







I don't think I've ever been in snow so deep!








What's the snow been like for you?


Xxx





L- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

A year of fun

So, 2013 is nearly upon us. It certainly has a way to go to be as good as 2012, Olympics, Jubilee, a good year to be British. Personally, I've rather loved my year. I got to go to the Olympics, I've spent another year adventuring with my Mr B, I started my first ever job, and I've had two fab holidays with my favourite people. The last few months were a bit disappointing but hey ho. I'm hoping that 2013 brings health and happiness for my family, and fingers crossed I find a nice little permanent job and me & Mr B can finally get our little palace together.

What are your resolutions? I always set myself some & normally break them by 12.30 but that's half the fun. Quit swearing, not to always think the worst, save more pennies, blog properly. Oh, and to try and believe in myself a bit more.

Thought I'd share some of my favourite parts of 2012 with you... Hope you enjoy!












































Hope 2013 brings you everything you wish for xx

Forget about those melting ice caps, we're doing the best with what we've got

It's been a strange old three months! There was a lot of uncertainty hanging over me with regards to my job.  One day it looked like I was going to be made permanent and the next it looked like my contract would be coming to an end.  My contract was only for 6 months but it had been extended with the hope of me becoming permanent.  Unfortunately that plan never got off the ground! So now it's back to the job search again,. Hopefully this time i'll be able to get a permanent role that I can settle into.

We scooted off to a lovely week in the lake district at the beginning of November at it was just what I needed.  It helped me to gain a bit of perspective and to just calm down and stop worrying so much about things.  I've had a few up and down moments since I finished but i'm keeping focussed on finding a bigger and better job & moving forward.

I thought it would be nice to do a bit of a what i've been up to lately post.  Now I have spare time on my hands i've planned to do plenty of blogging!

L-R

Whilst in the lake district we had our tea in a little fish and chip restaurant in Keswick one night.  It just so happened to be Christmas light switch on night, and as bizarre as it sounds the switch for the lights was on the wall behind our table! My mum joked to the lady that I could flick the switch & she let me! My little claim to fame!!

We went to see the Christmas tree switch on at Cheshire Oaks, thats the biggest tree in Europe! And I can confirm its huuuage!

Waterproof coats were needed most days in the lake district!

Cute little owls that my mum picked up from Bents Garden Centre.  She said they reminded her of me & Mr B :)

Me & Lego Harry Potter in the Trafford Centre.  Behind us is the biggest Lego tree, i'm planning on trying to recreate it next year!

Delicious hot chocolate from the Strawberry cafe in Kewsick

I fell in love with the Cinderella display in Bents.  If you live anywhere near it it's definitely worth a visit, makes you feel very festive and gives you plenty of ideas

Me in the Beatrix Potter attraction. Yes, i'm 24 but I loved it!

Beautiful flowers from work, made me cry!

My Ciate advent calendar. I couldn't resist it, sucker!

Christmassy Trafford Centre

My first Tapas experience!